once, josh bought me a piano for my birthday. he did an amazing job surprising me with it. the morning it arrived, i had even randomly left the room when it was delivered, and so upon walking back to the living room i suddenly saw a piano where previously there had been nothing.

i was kind of lonely in portland, so having my own piano in my own apartment felt like having an old friend move in with me. i was still new to portland, and freshly transported from urban life, so having a piano in my apartment was an unbelievable treat. i went to work and practiced diligently, and found a sheet music store where i indulged in things like a Chopin book, some lesser known Debussy, and later - Erik Satie. i wasn't very familiar with Satie, but as i recall someone at my workplace had a few songs on our shared server, so i was determined to learn them.

there were two apartments above me, and unbeknownst to me they enjoyed listening to my piano playing. this was good to know, because i didn't particularly hit it off with the woman directly above me when i'd first moved in (she thought my Broadcast album was too loud - at 8pm - and stomped on her floor my very first night).

what were these songs - the gymnopedies? i learned 1 and 2 very well. they weren't very technically difficult, i was trying mainly to work on expression and essence, really reading the instructive words on the sheet music. trying to make the melody sing. many friends were Satie fans, and i likened him to be an old-school dream pop fiend. (And Debussy, early shoe gazing).

if i had a piano today, would i have the same drive to emote and play with heart?

Shout! is another underrated early-era song. Much of it is in a major key, sounds kind of distant and positive - but it's bordered by a mildly dissonant header and footer. It makes for a nice complement. Who knows what they are talking about. "Break away tonight / I wanna hold your hand / We gotta get it right / We've got to understand" Vince seems to talk about those early lyrics being throwaway.

I didn't quite realize how that dissonance affected the mood until I watched a live performance online recently. A tritone was the focal point for the first minute or so. Overshadowed by the triad harmonies, which are almost cheesy.

I remember buying the 12" for this - from Wow records? New Life "b/w" Shout. I did like the b-side back then but it felt a little empty. It's an echoey, cavernous song with lots of space. And then it goes on forever at the end, and lightens up with this cheery keyboard melody.

embarrassingly for me, it is not usually about the lyrics. a song gets me with its melody, its chord progression, its impeccable choice of instrumentation. maybe not something to be so embarrassed about. after all, throughout college i had this whole thesis brewing in my head about how words are a mere articulation, oftentimes a limitation, of true feelings that can be expressed rawly in other ways. vocalizations, music, art, film. this is why shoegaze can do so much for me. that burying of lyrics creates something expressive in and of itself. maybe an introversion, a voice trapped far within a clumsy body.

it feels like there's some notion or stigma that not having amazing lyrics, or not loving a band for its profundity, makes you less intelligent. is that a thing? or am i just projecting? some kind of guilt for being this way. and not that i don't love lyrics too. i love writing them, and i love people knowing what i'm writing about. so many songwriters want to leave interpretation open - but i don't! and then there are things like martin gore's lyrics. cheesy, often. but - there's something behind that all. even in somebody he jokes about how he can get away with being so sappy. sort of hilarious? indeed. the cheesy aspect of depeche mode is inherent to who they are, and it's OK, it's built into their image, and they got grandfathered into stardom and some people hate it, but i love it.

ladytron was always a band toying with time, memories. their first single, playgirl, sounded like a song i knew and loved from long ago. it's almost like the song was found after being lost for decades. it has such familiarity.

i went through a big ladytron phase. jason introduced me to playgirl, and i bought a cd single or ep when i was in the UK in 2000. they toured a few years later, and i went two nights in a row. i just adored them. i remember meeting reuben and mira at luxx one night, and standing near mira during a fischerspooner show somewhere in chelsea.

they fit in with the electroclash fad of the early aughts, they had great pop songs. they had this chic two-front-women look and strong music to back it up, somehow making old synth sounds refreshing. i think daniel hunt is just talented, has a knack for dialing into it. they also had the variety - helen's droll cute voice juxtaposed against mira's quirky songs, the bulgarian spoken word just coloring everything so intriguingly.

and some type of darkness. i remember it being referred to as magic in a review once. it's true, there are some songs that seem to go deep into your soul. it started with minor-toned trips like "International Dateline" but then progressed, transcended on the next album. i didn't follow very much after the next one (i can't even remember a song from it)...

but today i've just been blown away by "the island," which opens with m83-esque grand string synths, gorgeousness. wistful, major chord progressions, some dreaminess. and helen's voice is different, not quite as disaffected, it's a nice change.

a hierarchy, always. i find myself avoiding Chapterhouse and Ride and opting for Ian Masters-era Pale Saints (even pre-Meriel). it's dumb, but the elitist in me feels like i get way more cred for this.

more personal resentment. my feelings for Pale Saints gradually changed with each progression. to me, the trio of Ian, Chris & Graeme was the real deal, pure - core Pale Saints. powerpop, so tight, knit together by Ian's often pained, and uniquely toned vocals. Meriel joined, and things were still OK - but she brought along a clearer production quality that i felt conflicted about. i much prefered the obscure, lonely tinniness of Comforts of Madness. with the new defined resolution she also brought a very traditionally good voice - again, conflict. most shoegaze singers hid their vocals, their puretoned, skinny and sometimes unstable vocals. who was this good singer barging her way into this dear low-fi trio? OK, i can't deny that "kinky love" is blissful. what a great intro to Meriel (via 120 for me, interestingly). oh lord and then i discovered who she really was... Miki's ex-friend and the original Lush singer?! the subject of "Etheriel"?!

well i got over any reservations because whatever, Ian was still there. "Throwing Back the Apple" is still quintessentially Pale Saints in my book.

and then, horror of horrors... Ian left the band... and was replaced by this random girl from the Heartthrobs?! How dare they keep the band name. This was no longer my Pale Saints. They were boringly mellow and tame. I saw them play live (Meriel kindly snuck Sheila & I into the 21+ venue) and this Heartthrobs girl actually sang Sight of You!!!! I was livid. it was so wrong! i wound up offloading that CD at some point, i couldn't bear having it.

fortunately. i was able to keep up with Ian a bit - the weird stuff he did with Warren Defever which i love, along with Spoonfed Hybrid and Oneironaut.

on having no need for new music

the music i grew up with, in my formative years - i am so fortunate to have found music that connected with me so deeply. i have little need for new music. it feels like a bonus when i discover a new band or fall in love with a new song. but the love for the old songs is as strong as ever.

there is so much of it too, that i can rotate the playlist forever and still be happy. driving home on saturday morning with lily, "temptation" by new order was the happiest hit and i couldn't imagine ever coming across anything else quite so everlasting. doused with beauty and vitality. i could listen to that song all day and not tire of it.

i don't want to downplay any amazing music i have loved over the past few years. in recent times - santigold, grimes, diiv, churches, blessed isles?

what are the songs that stay with me? i have a few old faithfuls that i return to time and again. that may always be there, waiting to provide me with comfort.

romulus & venus
the sundays' first album
plainsong

plainsong is a vast soundscape, it beckons tears at the first beat. glistening keys plodding along as if on snow, ice, some sunny arctic land. but is it dark? windy. it sounds like a beautiful place though. the irony that it's like the end of the world (she said). the edge of the world. i love the major key, too, insisting on optimism. seeing the gorgeousness in the fragility. the love and enamor in this song is the real story, not the harsh elements. it's because i love you so much that the world is scary, but it's a beautiful world, because i love you so much.

this is all illustrated through a combination of lyrics and music. that optimism can't exist without the exquisite pounding cannon. and it's a simple progression. so simple. in C, no less. how pure can you get.

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romulus & venus is an obscure gem, a diamond in the rough. it's a song nobody knows by a band nobody's heard of. it was ahead of its time, a combination of synth pop and a poppy melody, albeit with a disaffected vocalist so strange as ed ka-spel. his odd voice matches the absurd story. it's a story of pining, longing, with a lovely melodic progression. with the fake strings singing as if on some italian villa.

i can still remember you with coronets, white horses
i would run behind, you'd flash the sign, i dived just to serve you
but nighttime turned a lady to a girl again, you'd slip away
you tried to kiss my tears away, pretend there was no day to take me down

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the sundays are such a unique band, they have their own sound and world. it's easy and light, poppy, but perhaps it is harriet's signature voice that gives it a stamp like no other. kind of nostalgic, but more just knowing, intimate. at times your friend opening up a confidence between you and them. here's where the story ends is classic, the hit song but really a piece of perfection. i love the tempo, it keeps moving kind of hurriedly but not too fast, with a solid strum.

can't be sure, i feel like declaring this as my favorite because i don't want to be too mainstream. this one is delectable. and the indian singing part. the vocals in this are so divine. i mean, harriet wheeler was such an amazing singer, pretty underrated. she did the Sundays and what else? and they didn't get super huge, but they were pretty amazing. that first album is really quite perfect.

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